by Bethany Heitman
from Cosmopolitan Magazine, October 2011
This single sexy phrase makes him drop everything (pants included) and start drooling over you. But you need to work it carefully.
Whispering almost any naughty line to a guy is the sexual equivalent of 3-D glasses – it heightens the entire experience for him. But after talking to a bunch of dudes recently, we learned there are four specific words every man longs to hear the most. The phrase that unleashes his lust? “I want you now.” We asked experts why that is, and here they explain the reasons it gives you such seduction power.
Hearing those words when you’re unzipping his pants or aggressively pushing him down on the bed does mind-melting thing to a guy, sure, but if uttered someplace completely innocuous, like the produce aisle or the dog park, they are even hotter.
“That line out of context, when he least expects it, triggers his desire instantly,” says psychotherapist Stephen Johnson, PhD, director of the Men’s Center of Los Angeles. “When a guy is erotically surprised, it actually causes his brain to release endorphins and neurotransmitters like norepinephrine and dopamine that affect his mood and put him in a physiological state of arousal.” In addition, because the phrase is so blunt, it taps in to racy fantasies that most men have about raw, spontaneous, even animalistic action.
Here’s the thing, though: You need to be strategic when you say it. You want that shock factor, but then it’s also key to repeat the phrase when you’re back between the sheets to drive the point home that you’re actually going to make good on your promise. “If you whisper the magic words when there’s no way you can have sex in the near future – as you’re walking out the door to go on vacation with friends or during a long car trip with your parents – it’s crying wolf, says sex therapist Sadie Allison, author of Ride “Em Cowgirl. “He may feel like you’re just teasing him.”
When you make that kind of sexual advance, he reads it as your being aggressive. This is especially true if you repeat the line in bed, because it reinforces that you initiated the night of fun. “Many guys’ number one wish is to be slightly dominated by a woman,” says Johnson. Not only will your take-charge attitude rile him up, but you’ll also love what it does to you. When a woman goes after what she wants and get it, it makes her feel powerful,” says Allison, “and power is very erotic.”
Finally, it can be easy to forget that dudes need to feel desired as well. When you say those words, it tells him just that. “Men are socialized and trained to let women know how hot they are,” says Warren Farrell, PhD, author of Why Men Are the Way They Are. “Guys want that too – they want to know that it’s not just sex she wants; it’s him. With this, you’re implying that you want him so badly, you can’t wait another second… and honestly, that makes him feel like a god.”
Q&A Follow-up with Dr. Johnson
Cosmo: The following three reasons are why “I want you now” is the phrase that men want to hear more than anything else. Each reason has several follow-up questions that explain the reasoning behind the reasons for the readers. For the article Dr. Johnson responded to some specific questions, and the remarks that appear in the piece were extrapolated from the following:
1) Men find it sexy because you are initiating and taking charge.
–Why do men find women initiating and taking charge so attractive?
Dr. Johnson.: We want to feel that we’re desired. That’s true for both men and women. Men tend to be intensely desire-driven by their level of testosterone. Men are used to being the initiators; it’s like they just can’t help themselves, and women are used to being the pursued. When a woman turns the tables and tells a man that she wants him now it fulfills the ultimate fantasy that he is so hot that she can’t stand it anymore, she can’t wait any longer, she must have him immediately. The state of arousal surges to a fevered pitch and the sex promises to be out of this world.
Cosmo: 2) When you say it out of the usual context (out at dinner/grocery shopping) it is shocking and that shock factor is incredibly arousing.
–Why is the shock factor arousing?
–In what setting (dinner, date, running errands) could this phrase be used for maximum effect?
Dr. Johnson: When we’re shocked we go into a kind of trance or hypnotic state. Endorphins and neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine and dopamine are released into the bloodstream affecting our mood. If we’re taken off guard by something unpleasant it can produce trauma; however, something shockingly pleasant piques one’s curiosity, creates intrigue and can exude a physiological state of arousal.
For example, if a couple is out shopping for clothes and she drags him into the changing room while whispering that she wants him now, he’ll surely find it “hard” to contain himself. Let the games begin… They can always be completed in a more appropriate setting.
One female patient told me that if she wanted to assure that she and her husband would have an Olympian love making session when they returned home from dinner, she would create a “peak” experience right at the table. She would give him a “peek” at the nylons and garter belt that she was wearing under her skirt while announcing that she couldn’t wait to get him home. Often they wouldn’t make it all the way home before her version of “I want you now” would cause him to pull the car off the road for a bit of front-seat- foreplay.
Cosmo: 3) It shows him you are up for spontaneity and are cutting to the chase. This means he feels like he doesn’t have to woo you as hardcore for that particular romp.
–Why is “not having to woo you” such a pleasant experience for men?
–Why do men find spontaneity so attractive?
–Why do men find cutting to the chase so attractive?
Dr. Johnson: The fear of rejection or failure causes shame, and men are most sensitive to being shamed. Performance anxiety can cut to the quick causing a drop in one’s confidence as well as in a significant body part for that matter. Minimizing the risk of failure enhances the chance of a successful outcome. Even though courting behavior can be romantic, cutting to the chase tends to reduce the stress and duress that comes from a buildup of too much anticipatory tension.
Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D. has been a psychotherapist and relationship coach for 40 years. He the Director of the Men’s Center of Los Angeles and is completing a new book entitled: Man Up! What it takes to be a Good Man Today.